August 13, 2008 thru August 20, 2008


Seilta Okpom is not feeling well. She wishes her money to be used for some kind of charitable purposes. Rabbi Tuckman is only happy to oblige! 


From: Mrs. Seilta Okpom (

Reply To:

To: Jeff Heimbuch (

Date: Wed 8/13/08 2:57 AM


My dear one, 
Greetings in the name of our God. I am sorry to bother you with my pains and vision for the poor. But I can't keep quiet because i have strong 
feelings I am going to die soon through this cancer disease as indicated by my doctor three days ago. 
It's with tears and pains that I write this mail from my sick bed in the hospital to be a blessing to you and to the poor in your country and in 
other countries as i and my late husband have wished before his died. After my husband's death, i tried to fulfil this vision we had together 
but the people and organization I trusted never used the money i gave to them for the purpose meant for, rather they end up using it for their own 
personal use. This has caused me great pains in my heart and health. I don't know if i can TRUST you as i have been praying over this issue for the 
past one month, to entrust this huge amount of money in your hands for the welfare of the poor and other rightful charity homes which you know. 
If you know that you can be TRUSTED in this matter to act as I will direct you Kindly indicating by replying me forwarding your full contact name and 
address with your telephone number to enable me introduce you to the bank where my late husband deposited this fund, i will also instruct them to 
effect transfer of the funds to you as my relative in other to carry out this great vision on my behalf to enable you starts this project immediately. 
Once more, i want you to assure me that you wonґt disappoint me now and even after my death to handle this vision which am entrusting in your 
hands. Have in mind that the amount am transferring to you is in Million of United States Dollars only.  If you find yourself uncapable to handle this 
great project or for any reason you find my mail offensive, kindly ignore it and please accept my apology. 
Have a nice day as i look forward to hear from you soonest. 
Yours faithfully, 
 I've been wanting to use a Rabbi for awhile, so I thought this was the perfect opportunity to do so!

From: Jeff Heimbuch (

To: Mrs. Seilta Okpom (

Date: Wed 8/13/08 8:37 AM



Dearest Mrs. Seilta Okpom,


Greetings, Salutions, and Shalom! Ma shlomech?


My name is Rabbi Melvin Tuckman, and I am answering Rabbi Jefferson Goldrubensteinman's e-mail until he comes back from a business trip. He is actually at the Vatican right now for the First Annual 'Sabbath Sabbatical,' which is a pseudo 'meeting of the faiths' between Christianity and Judaism. Apparently, they are trying to find a way to merge both religions together to create some form of master race. Though many may oppose such a thing, I believe that it may help bring some peace, harmony, and unity into the world we live.


That is neither here nor there, though. What's important is the content within your e-mail.


I am very sorry to hear of your plight. Es tut mir bahng! A chorbn! It always sorrows me deeply to hear of people devoted to their G-d, and have misfortunes upon them. Though Rabbi Goldrubensteinman is away, I am to act in his steed, and I DO wish to help you very much. Please, tell me what I can do.

I know you asked specifically that the funds be donated to a charity, but would you consider splitting the donation in half, and allowing half to go to a welfare charity, and the other half to help our little sect of Judaism? Being as how Rabbi Goldrubensteinman is away at the merger meeting, I think it would make the most sense to split your donation between both faiths. I do hope you see the same way, as the funds would be used to help our Holy Temple and the Church of Christ as well.


I look forward to hearing from you soon, and working with you to help spread the word of G-d, regardless of what denomination we are apart of.



Rabbit Melvin Tuckman

Yes, a lot of those are actual Hebrew phrases. I'll be damned if I remember what they mean now...I looked them up online, so it should be easy to figure out, if you REALLY want to know what they mean. Also, I didn't spell out God, because I don't think Jewish people are allowed to. One of my friends does that, so there is obviously a reason behind it, so I just followed in his footsteps!


From: Mrs. Seilta Okpom (

To: Jeff Heimbuch (

Date: Wed 8/13/08 11:05 PM

Subject: Dear Rabbit Melvin, I thank you immensely for your reply


Dear beloved Rabbit Melvin,

I thank you immensely for your response, am so grateful. Am not feeling fine now, so i had to ask the nurse at the hospital here to assist me write you this mail.  You are free to use part of the fund to help the Judaism as you requested since it will give great changes to their live so that the name of the Lord can be praised. 


My dear, I have passed through a lot of trauma and emotional suffering since the death of my husband in other to fulfill this Vision i have for the poor. Actaully, I don't know who you are and why i chosed you for this but i am of the believe that it is God's directions and he never failed me.


After I received and read your reply this afternoon, i sent a mail to the bank instructing them to transfer my late husbands fund to you as my FRIEND in other for you to start this project. The bank manager replied me and he promised that as soon as you contact the bank, he will direct you well on what you must to do to enable the bank transfer this fund to you without any delay.
The funds will be entirely in your hands for management and i pray God gives you the wisdom to touch many lives of the poor in your country and outside your country. However, I want you to still assure me that my desire to transfer this fund for the well being of the poor will be accomplished by you in totally Sincerity. Kindly use this money the way i instructed you herein to help the poor.
(1) 25% of the fund will be for your persoal use. (2) 5% for any expensis you may incure in this transaction(3) the rest 70% of the fund for the welfare of the the poor both in your country and any where else.


If you agree with the above, reply me immediately and send me your full name and contact address, along with your photo. Attached here are copies of the deposite documents and my late husbands death certificate.


As soon as i hear from you, I will send you the contact the bank for your immediate contact with them.


Keep this confidential for security reasons.
Thanks and God bless you.
from yours beloved sister,
Mrs. Seilta Okpom.

Attached were the following documents. Click to enlarge them:





I gotta say, I'm impressed. These are some of the better forgeries that I've seen. I mean, they are obviously still fake as hell, but they did a good job of them! I was also quite surprised that they wanted just a photo of Rabbi Tuckman, and not a passport or driver's license!


From: Jeff Heimbuch (

To: Mrs. Seilta Okpom (

Date: Fri 8/15/08 8:41 AM

Subject: RE: Dear Rabbit Melvin, I thank you immensely for your reply


Dear Seilta,
I am so sorry for the delay in my response. We had our annual Temple picnic on Wednesday evening, and I fear I am just recovering from too much manischewitz! Oy, what a lovely time it was, I wish you could have attended! Perhaps next year, if you are in good health!
In any event, I am sorry you are not feeling well right now, and it is truly a blessing for our G-d, lord Jesus Christ Almighty, our savior, that you have a nurse to help you in your writings. I hope she knows that she is smiled upon from above.
I am eternally grateful, like the flames of a menorah, that you will allow us to use part of the funds to help the cause of Judaism and our little slice of heaven. It will bring about great change for us, I assure you.
I do believe it is G-d's direction as well that has brought us together in this holy matrimony of finances.
I am glad you have already set plans in motion, and I will definitely help in anyway that I can. You are gracious enough to say 25% of the funds will be for my own use, but I have almost no worldly possessions. I give my life fully to my work, and I will wind up combining the 70% with my 25%, as it is the right thing to do. I fully plan on investing everything in our temple, fully, I have no use for material possessions. Well, maybe a Porsche.
I have seen your attached documents, and I thank you for sending them along for me to see.
As per requested, attached is my photo. We had portraits done earlier this year, and I am glad to have a chance to finally use it in some way! As for my full name and contact address:
Rabbi Melvin Tuckman
Holy Temple and the Church of Christ, Lord Almighty, Ahem, Achoo. 
12345 Kaminsky Street
Kearny, NJ 07032

I look forward to hearing from you, and speaking to the bank!
Blessed be you,
Rabbi Tuckman

After a simple Google search of 'rabbi,' I attached this photo to my email. Click to enlarge:



Also, Kaminsky is Mel Brooks' real last name, for those you of wondering where the hell I got that from.


From: Mrs. Seilta Okpom (

To: Jeff Heimbuch (

Date: Sat 8/16/08 6:35 AM

Subject: Dearest brother Rabbi, here is the bank contact


My dearest beloved brother Rabbi,
Thanks for your mail reply. As i earlier informed you, the bank manager has promised to direct you well on how you will be receiveing this fund in your account without any delay. Now i want you to contact the bank immediately on the below contact. Tell them that 'I Mrs. Seilta Okpom your friend have personally asked you to contact them for my late husbands fund transfer to your account an important project. Ask them to direct you well on how best to proceed. I have already informed them that you will be contacting them shortly for this fund transfer to your account.
TEL: 0022504639118
Email: EMAIL:
Private Email:
I wait to hear from you as soon as you contact the bank. I want you to do fast so that you can receive the this money in your country before any thing happens to me but i pray and believe that i will live to testify the goodness of the Lord. My doctor has said that i will be going for surgery operation and i want you to always pray for me so that my operation will go successfully.  

Once again, for security reasons, Keep this confidential.
 May God bless you,

yours beloved sister,
Mrs Seilta Okpom

I wonder why she gave me two emails for the bank guy...Maybe just to be sure that they get it?


From: Jeff Heimbuch (



Date: Sun 8/17/08 10:18 AM

Subject: Monies of one Mrs. Seilta Okpom



Good day to you, sir. My name is Rabbi Melvin Tuckman. I am writing on behalf of my dear, sickly friend, Mrs. Seilta Okpom. She is not feeling well at the moment, and has asked me to write this message to you.

She has personally asked me to contact you to have you transfer her late husband's funds into my account for an important project. I would like for you to inform and direct and tell and notify and enlighten me on how to proceed from here. Mrs. Okpom has told me that she has already contacted you that I would be contacting you and for you to contact me on how to proceed.

Poor Mrs. Okpom tells me that she may not have much time left in her current fleshy coil, so she wishes this transaction to take place as soon as possible. I realize that today is Sunday, a day of rest for many, so I do not expect you to answer right away. However, I wish, by Monday, to hear from you.

Thank you for your time, help, and assistance in this extremely important manner.

Rabbi Melvin Tuckman

And now for an email back to Seilta, letting her now that I have done as she asked...

From: Jeff Heimbuch (

To: Mrs. Seilta Okpom (

Date: Sun 8/17/08 10:22 AM

Subject: RE: Dearest brother Rabbi, here is the bank contact


Dearest Seilita,

Sorry for the delay in my response. As you know, Saturday is the Jewish Sabbath, and we are not allowed to do anything from Friday sundown to Saturday sunset. Though it makes driving to get a bagel snack a bitch (Uncle Leo's, a great kosher place down the street, usually has great deals on Sabbath!). I was unable to use the computer during this time, as it against my beliefs to do so. I hope you understand.

I also hope that, in my time away from the computer, everything is still well for you. I prayed and Hail Mary-ed for you on your operation. I hope all went well, and that you are feeling better!

You will be happy to know that I have emailed Mr. Jensen Muller of the bank. I realize it is Sunday, so I may not hear from him until tomorrow afternoon.

Things are well underway, my dear, so please, do not fret!

You are in my thoughts and dreams.

Blessed be you,

Rabbi Tuckman

Now it was time to play the waiting game...



To: Jeff Heimbuch (

Date: Mon 8/18/08 4:35 AM

Subject: RE: Monies of one Mrs. Seilta Okpom

From the desk of: Mr. Jensen Muller (Director of Credit/Remittance)

Attention: Rabbi Melvin Tuckman,


We confirm the receipt of your message with regards to the inheritance deposit estate of our late customer Dr. Jerry Okpom. This fund was deposited with our bank as fixed deposit for onward transfer into a foreign account.

To enable us submit the FOREX application to the Finance Ministry, you are advised to fill the attached Payment Application Form and return immediately to enable us access your claim before we go to the Ministry of Finance for FOREX.

Send us immediately the below and fill in block letters:

1.) Your full name
2.) Your home address address, telephone and fax.
3.) Your bank name and address
4.) Bank address
5.) Bank account number
6.) Bank swift code
7.) Bank routine number
8.) Beneficiary name and address.
9.) A copy of your International passport or Drivers Lisence

And as soon as this process is done, my office shall complete the transfer procedures and the fund both (Principal and accumulated interest) will be released and transfered to your nominated account without any problem.


Jensen Muller,
Director, Credit/Remittance Dept.
Tel: 0022504639118.
Privtae Email:

Attached to this email was a PDF document, which was 0.0 kb. How very odd. I opened it on a crappy computer that I wouldn't mind losing, just in case there was a virus attached. There was no virus, but unsurprisingly, the document did not open. It was corrupt.


From: Jeff Heimbuch (


Date: Mon 8/18/08 9:29 AM

Subject: Monies of one Mrs. Seilta Okpom


Dearest Mr. Jensen Muller,
Shalom! Thank you for responding to my email about Mrs. Okpom!
I have received your email and your attached PDF documents! However, when I tried to open the file, it said there was nothing there! Oy vey, I wonder what went wrong?
Would you like to send the document again, or should I just respond to your questions via email messages?
- Rabbi Tuckman

Hours later, I received this little gem.



To: Jeff Heimbuch (

Date: Mon 8/18/08 2:56 PM

Subject: Attention: Rabbi Melvin Tuckman

From the desk of: Mr. Jensen Muller (Director of Credit/Remittance)

Attention: Rabbi Melvin Tuckman,

Confirming the receipt of your email regarding the attached documents. You can not be able to open the attached document because the PC you are using do not have PDF downloading. You can try it to any PC that has PDF download.

Ok you can via email messages.


Mr. Jensen Muller.

Oh, that's right. I'm sorry, my computer doesn't have PDF downloading. I can't download PDFs. How silly of me. I only thought that almost every computer in the world had Adobe Acrobat user. Perhaps I'm outdated? Maybe they are using Adobe Acrobat: Nigerian Scammer Version. My fault, of course. I like how, at the end, it's like I convinced him if I could email him my responses. It's like "OK, you got me. Sure, why not, send me the information!"


From: Jeff Heimbuch (


Date: Mon 8/18/08 6:15 PM

Subject: RE: Attention: Rabbi Melvin Tuckman


Dear Mr. Jensen Muller.

I beg your pardon, kind soul. You see, my Temple has been using an old Apple ][ from the early 1980s. I'm surprised I can even use the email on this thing! That is probably why I can not open the PDF document.

Are you sure you want me to email the messages to you? It is no problem, I can schlep on down the to local library and use one of their new fangled Dells?

All the best,

Rabbi Tuckman

Days go by. I do not hear a word from either Seilta or Jensen.


From: Jeff Heimbuch (

To: Mrs. Seilta Okpom (

Date: Wed 8/20/08 9:41 AM

Subject: Hello Seilta!


Dearest Seilita
It has been days since I heard a word from either yourself or the bank! I hope all is well and that you are feeling good.
Please let me know if you have heard from the bank?
- Rabbi Tuckman

Clearly, that had to be on to me. They knew I was messing with them.


From: Mrs. Seilta Okpom (

To: Jeff Heimbuch (

Date: Wed 8/20/08 3:18 PM

Subject: RE: Hello Seilta!


You have wasted this dying woman's time.

Yup, they were on to me! Oh well! Thanks for the good time, Seilta!